Overcoming fear

Tomorrow is the start of a new adventure - Clinical Pastoral Education at Evergreen Health in Kirkland.  I've worked as a hospice chaplain for almost a year and a half now and  I see the need for more education, more self-awareness, and more diversity, all of which I know I will encounter in the next 12 weeks.  My major concern right now is getting to the hospital from my daughter's house in Snohomish.  You see, I have a fear of heights and freeway overpasses.  You might think, what's the big deal?  But if you are one of the countless people who walk around with any sort of anxiety issue, you know this is no small matter.

Over 10 years ago I hit my head and suffered major inner ear damage which brought on long term vertigo.  Tasks I had taken for granted suddenly turned into impossibilities.  Driving was at the top of the list.  For weeks I refused to drive but I had responsibilities and finally got behind the wheel.  I was beyond terrified as I feared losing control of my car.  At one point while crossing the Tacoma Narrows bridge I experienced my first panic attack.  My breathing became shallow, my heart rate raised and I involuntarily removed my foot from the gas pedal and came to a stop.  I would not recommend doing this.  It makes other drivers extremely irritated. 

After that incident I began limiting my life.  I came up with all sorts of rules about what I could not do.  No driving on bridges, no driving over water, no driving at night, no driving in the rain.  The list was endless. 

But my doctor told me that my inner ear would eventually compensate for the damage from the fall.  It would take years but he was right.  Unfortunately my brain didn't get the message regarding all my rules.  I accepted the fears as reality.

Over the last two years I've made remarkable progress thanks to my spiritual director.  I now drive on freeways, drive at night in rain and can cross a bridge, as long as it's on the water.  However, two fears remain that I have not faced yet.  Heights and overpasses. 

So what does this have to do with CPE?  Well, the easiest route to take is over a very tall freeway overpass that connects the 522 to the 405. Am I going to tackle it on my first day?  No, as I have other fears to contend with such as the fear of sleeping in and being late.  So I am leaving earlier and taking another route.  But in the midst of all this I have come up with some strategies to use when I decide to take the quickest route. 


I found this quote that says "The only thing standing between where you are and where you want to be is your fear."  I replaced "fear" with the "fear of overpasses" as I need to literally cross that bridge to get to the hospital!  So I decided to do The Work on my fears.

Here's words to say as I approach my fear (bridge): 
I look forward to crossing this overpass.  Each time will be easier than the last.
I am thankful that my body wants to protect me from harm.  It's doing it's job, but I'm not in Danger, I'm in Discomfort!
I know that this panic attack will end.


Here's to overcoming this fear which will allow me to concentrate on my yet undiscovered fears of CPE!!!



  

fear is good

“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign.

Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator.

Fear tells us what we have to do.

Remember our rule of thumb:

The more scared we are of a work or calling,

the more sure we can be that we have to do it.

Resistance is experienced as fear;

the degree of fear equates the strength of Resistance.

Therefore, the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise,

the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul.”

-Steven Pressfield – The War of Art

my first response to reading this quote was “ah shit!”

how about you?

Crazy Fools!

Today's gospel reading from Matthew describes the time when the disciples headed out across the sea so Jesus could have some "alone time" when suddenly, a huge storm rolled in and completely freaked them out. (ok, the scriptures don't tell us that but it makes for a better story. And who's to say they weren't?) ANYway, I picture the whitecaps buffeting their boat similar to those huge waves that hit the fishing vessels on that Discovery channel show, "Deadliest Catch." Very scary! This went on for hours and you know at least one of the disciples was yelling, "We're all gonna die!" And to make matters even weirder, early in the morning they saw a ghost coming towards them on top of the water (and according to the scriptures that DID freak them out!)
But lo and behold, the ghost turned out to be Jesus who told them to calm down. Which brings up the question: Why was he walking on the water? Did anyone ever ask Jesus that? Was this something he did often? Or just during storms? Did he not realize the effect this would have on his disciples?

So, Look at them all huddled in the boat below. They really should have gone out in a bigger boat, though I must say that when I'm fearing imminent death I really do like someone else to cling to. Come to think of it, that picture reminds me of church - a community moving forward or as in this case, being tossed to and fro. And there are some really grumpy faces in that boat. What's up with that?

Of course only one disciple was bold enough to ask Jesus to tell him to jump out of the boat to try the water walking. Yep, it was Peter. And yes I know it showed his great faith to take that first step across the water towards Jesus. But don't you think the rest of them were grabbing onto him and calling him a crazy fool? Maybe that's the point. Jesus wants us all to be crazy fools...taking risks....attempting the seemingly impossible...and when we sink (and indeed we will) God will be there, pulling us out of our fears and doubts if we stop looking at the water long enough to notice that we are not alone...that we are never alone...we are always in the presence of God....and that we need one another. really. we do...even when we don't get along...after all, we are the body of Christ. and that's a big deal.

So...go do something impossible...I dare ya.

Art work by James B. Janknegt.  Learn more about his amazing art here

infrequency

What if the question is not

why I am so infrequently the person I really want to be, but

why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Expand our images O Lord!

What images of God do we carry with us?

Do they empower us to seek and serve Christ in all people,

regardless of race, gender or creed?

Do they encourage us to strive for justice and peace

among all the peoples of the earth?

Do they help us to respect the dignity of every human being,

all of whom are created in the Divine Image?

If not, why do we keep them?

Images that induce guilt and fear (like the ones I grew up with)

can be tenacious in their hold upon our psyches.

Even when you think you have banished them they can pop up like burnt toast -

all smokey & smelly & needing a quick trip to the trash bin.

We need to expand our images of God in order to nourish our souls.

We need images that speak to the mystery that is God.

The image above is one that my adult daughter grew up with

that she would like to replace.

be very afraid?

"Fear

is always an anticipation

of what has not yet come."

-Jack Kornfield

And yet we're fed fear all day long.  I have a bumper sticker on my car that says

LOVE > FEAR

and that's reality.

doug savage cartoons are found here

anticipatory silence

"There are many kinds of silence to encounter in life,

but there is a particular and delicious terror

to the anticipatory silence that we create

from actually following our heart's desire."

- David Whyte

our many layers

"Emotional collapse comes when we have given ourselves over
to only one part of ourselves.

If we concentrate only on the children, or only on the job, or only on the money,

then when the children leave home, or the job ends, or the money is lost,

we have nothing else in life to live for.

But when we spend life developing all the many layers of the self,

no one thing can possibly destroy us.

Peace has a way of seeping from one category to another."

- Joan Chittister

photo from Paria movie town

Escalante - Grand Staircase Nat'l Monument

The 10 Minute Prayer

"O God, I am hellishly angry;

I think so-and-so is a swine;

I am tortured by worry about this or that;

I am pretty sure I have missed my chances in life;

this or that has left me feeling terribly depressed.

But nonetheless here I am like this,

feeling both bloody and bloody-minded,

and I am going to stay here for ten minutes.

You are most unlikely to give me anything.

I know that.

But I am going to stay for the ten minutes nonetheless.

Harry Williams,

quoted in the SPCK Book of Christian Prayer,

1995, p.191

photo from here

Leap of Faith

If there is a fear of falling, the only safety consists in deliberately jumping.  - Carl Jung 

photo from here

I've been thinking about all those fears that are keeping me from taking my own leap.

climbing the walls

"The fears we
cannot climb
become our
walls."
Noah Ben Shea

(Looks like this couple is
attempting to overcome theirs!)

This is actually a real climbing wall
for a home, designed by Nendo