Overcoming fear

Tomorrow is the start of a new adventure - Clinical Pastoral Education at Evergreen Health in Kirkland.  I've worked as a hospice chaplain for almost a year and a half now and  I see the need for more education, more self-awareness, and more diversity, all of which I know I will encounter in the next 12 weeks.  My major concern right now is getting to the hospital from my daughter's house in Snohomish.  You see, I have a fear of heights and freeway overpasses.  You might think, what's the big deal?  But if you are one of the countless people who walk around with any sort of anxiety issue, you know this is no small matter.

Over 10 years ago I hit my head and suffered major inner ear damage which brought on long term vertigo.  Tasks I had taken for granted suddenly turned into impossibilities.  Driving was at the top of the list.  For weeks I refused to drive but I had responsibilities and finally got behind the wheel.  I was beyond terrified as I feared losing control of my car.  At one point while crossing the Tacoma Narrows bridge I experienced my first panic attack.  My breathing became shallow, my heart rate raised and I involuntarily removed my foot from the gas pedal and came to a stop.  I would not recommend doing this.  It makes other drivers extremely irritated. 

After that incident I began limiting my life.  I came up with all sorts of rules about what I could not do.  No driving on bridges, no driving over water, no driving at night, no driving in the rain.  The list was endless. 

But my doctor told me that my inner ear would eventually compensate for the damage from the fall.  It would take years but he was right.  Unfortunately my brain didn't get the message regarding all my rules.  I accepted the fears as reality.

Over the last two years I've made remarkable progress thanks to my spiritual director.  I now drive on freeways, drive at night in rain and can cross a bridge, as long as it's on the water.  However, two fears remain that I have not faced yet.  Heights and overpasses. 

So what does this have to do with CPE?  Well, the easiest route to take is over a very tall freeway overpass that connects the 522 to the 405. Am I going to tackle it on my first day?  No, as I have other fears to contend with such as the fear of sleeping in and being late.  So I am leaving earlier and taking another route.  But in the midst of all this I have come up with some strategies to use when I decide to take the quickest route. 


I found this quote that says "The only thing standing between where you are and where you want to be is your fear."  I replaced "fear" with the "fear of overpasses" as I need to literally cross that bridge to get to the hospital!  So I decided to do The Work on my fears.

Here's words to say as I approach my fear (bridge): 
I look forward to crossing this overpass.  Each time will be easier than the last.
I am thankful that my body wants to protect me from harm.  It's doing it's job, but I'm not in Danger, I'm in Discomfort!
I know that this panic attack will end.


Here's to overcoming this fear which will allow me to concentrate on my yet undiscovered fears of CPE!!!



  

got tunnel vision?

"Whatever story we are attached to,

that's where our devotion is.

There's no room for God in it."

-Byron Katie

The photo is absurb but too true.

When I can only see my view of reality

there really is no room for God to break through.

What story am I grasping too tightly?

What keeps me from experiencing God's freeing embrace?

hmmm....

"only when you don't know

what you're looking for,

can you be open to the

answers that can

change your life."

byron katie

photo of binocular building in

venice, california

my mythology

Last night David and I were discussing the Founding Fathers of America and we had a major disagreement about them. (I know what you're thinking - who would want to fight about old white guys wearing support hose?) I could feel my blood pressure rising as we both held our ground - and so I made the very mature decision to slink away to the bedroom to lick my wounds. Later, David came back and apologized for upsetting me, telling me that it was never his intent to do so. It was then that I realized my hurt had nothing to do with my husband. It was of my own making, as usual.

"Anytime you find yourself wanting sympathy,
you’re trying to get someone to join you
in your mythology. And it always hurts."

Byron Katie (from Twitter)

adult children

"If your happiness depends on your children being happy, that makes them your hostages. So stay out of their business, stop using them for your happiness, and be your own happiness. And that way you are the teacher for your children: someone who knows how to live a happy life."
byron katie

If only my grandmother had understood this - she would have had a much softer outlook on life - many of my recollections of her involve her sitting at my mom's, waiting for her other two children who lived very far away to call her. If they called, she was happy, if they didn't, none of us were!

!!!

If I think

you're my problem,

I'm insane.

Byron Katie